A wise man once said, “Everyone sucks up, the difference is the amount of passion they put into it.” It is true, everyone to some extent or another tries to gain favor from their boss or someone else who can benefit them. Some are gifted “Ass – Kissers” who are very smooth and strategic with their efforts. Others are clumsy in their “Ass-Kissing” and actually repulse people. “Ass-Kissing, or sucking up, is an important art that can be learned. We all know it’s not about skills and ability that get you promoted, it’s who you know. The better you suck up the more people you meet and your opportunities grow exponentially.
First, the art of ass-kissing has many levels. Some are gifted and others are amateurs. The sad part is the amateurs generally think they are very good as ass-kissing. So, let’s get started. You must have a strategic plan for your ass-kissing. Do you want to suck up to everyone or keep to a small group of select people? A major fault in ass-kissers is they only suck up in one direction, they forget the people below them. Remember, a subordinate may one day pass you and then you will be stuck. You won’t be able to start sucking up to someone you abused earlier. Also, what if you’re subordinate, or someone lateral to you, is going around you and sucking up? Can you afford to alienate someone who already has a grip on the buttocks of your boss? No, you must be strategic in your ability to remove their hands from the bosses butt cheeks and reestablish a good grip. You must also revisit your technique to determine how you lost your grip on the butt cheek in the first place. Failure to examine what went wrong may be detrimental to your career; remember someone who is a better ass-kisser has just beaten you out!
Now, let’s look at your technique. First, you must look at your hands. Many people overlook their hands and don’t realize how important the hands play in effective butt kissing. Think strategically, is your boss the outdoors kind of person? Do they wrestle bears on weekends? Does your boss simply own a 4-wheel drive, watch the survival channel on television, and dream about being a touch guy? Or, does your boss enjoy the comforts of life, drive a high prices sedan, and think roughing it is going one month between manicures? You must know your target, inside and out!
Based on your new found observations, take a look at your hands. Amateurs will simply jump in an ass-kiss. Not you! You’re a professional! You know the benefits of the touch of your hands. First, rough or smooth? What are the benefits and dangers of having the wrong skin type? Rough hands allow you to get a better grip and hold on for a longer time. You don’t have to worry about grip and can concentrate on your ass-kissing. The danger is rough hands may chafe. You boss many not appreciate having to squirm in his or her seat the rest of the day because you bruised their sensitive skin; you may lose ground. However, your rugged outdoors type of boss may like the rough contact. Now, lotion does significant benefits and pitfalls. First you have to research the lotions on the market. Go for top shelf, you can’t skimp on this endeavor. Get one with a soft effervescence which leaves a sent that marks your territory and puts the next ass-kisser on notice to back off – these buttocks are taken! Now make sure you have no colossuses. Make sure you work the lotion in well to ensure a constant smoothness on the bottom, top and sides of your hands. Never neglect the sides of the hands if your target is VP or higher. You will have to pay special attention to your grip. You will have to reach a little deeper, and hold a little tighter. You don’t want your hands slipping off during this critical career building time. You don’t want your nose to poke into the buttocks and make your boss jump up. By picking the right lotion, after your ass-kissing session, your boss will sit smoothly in his or her seat, rather than sliding around in their leather chairs. If they slide around because your lotions make their butt squishy you will lose points.
Now that you have arrived on the varsity team of ass-kissers, it is time to get the collegiate scholar ship. You have two hands; each one has a specific perform. Think this way, one had can be slightly rough and the other one can be smooth. Hey, you’re on scholar ship, you figure it out! So, let’s look at the different levels and you can figure out where you rank:
· Ass –Kiss openly without a plan Pre-kindergarten
· Ass-Kiss lower level managers Elementary School
· Ass-Kiss boss – leave out subordinates Middle School
· Ass-Kiss – neglected hands 9th Grade
· Ass-Kiss no strategic plan for skin care 10 Grade
· Ass-Kiss with smooth/rough hands 12 Grade
· Ass-Kiss 1 smooth -1 rough hand College Freshman
· Ass Kiss with 1 smooth, 1 rough hand, scented lotion Harvard Business School
Remember, there are a gifted few that have taken the artistry of ass-kissing to the level of a Monet painting. They work their bosses with grace and perfection. They get ahead twice as fast with one third the actual skills of their counterparts. The majorities of people are clumsy and objects of ridicule. At first, shoot for the middle ground. Perfect your art with the lower managers; treat their buttocks like a VP. Once you have your boss swooning for you to come in to work every day you will perfected your technique and ready to move to the next level in your career. Good luck, and never give up sucking up!
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