The Art of Sucking Up

A wise man once said, “Everyone sucks up, the difference is the amount of passion they put into it.” It is true, everyone to some extent or another tries to gain favor from their boss or someone else who can benefit them. Some are gifted “Ass – Kissers” who are very smooth and strategic with their efforts. Others are clumsy in their “Ass-Kissing” and actually repulse people. “Ass-Kissing, or sucking up, is an important art that can be learned. We all know it’s not about skills and ability that get you promoted, it’s who you know. The better you suck up the more people you meet and your opportunities grow exponentially.

First, the art of ass-kissing has many levels. Some are gifted and others are amateurs. The sad part is the amateurs generally think they are very good as ass-kissing. So, let’s get started. You must have a strategic plan for your ass-kissing. Do you want to suck up to everyone or keep to a small group of select people? A major fault in ass-kissers is they only suck up in one direction, they forget the people below them. Remember, a subordinate may one day pass you and then you will be stuck. You won’t be able to start sucking up to someone you abused earlier. Also, what if you’re subordinate, or someone lateral to you, is going around you and sucking up? Can you afford to alienate someone who already has a grip on the buttocks of your boss? No, you must be strategic in your ability to remove their hands from the bosses butt cheeks and reestablish a good grip. You must also revisit your technique to determine how you lost your grip on the butt cheek in the first place. Failure to examine what went wrong may be detrimental to your career; remember someone who is a better ass-kisser has just beaten you out!    

Now, let’s look at your technique. First, you must look at your hands. Many people overlook their hands and don’t realize how important the hands play in effective butt kissing. Think strategically, is your boss the outdoors kind of person? Do they wrestle bears on weekends? Does your boss simply own a 4-wheel drive, watch the survival channel on television, and dream about being a touch guy? Or, does your boss enjoy the comforts of life, drive a high prices sedan, and think roughing it is going one month between manicures? You must know your target, inside and out!

Based on your new found observations, take a look at your hands. Amateurs will simply jump in an ass-kiss. Not you! You’re a professional! You know the benefits of the touch of your hands. First, rough or smooth? What are the benefits and dangers of having the wrong skin type? Rough hands allow you to get a better grip and hold on for a longer time. You don’t have to worry about grip and can concentrate on your ass-kissing. The danger is rough hands may chafe. You boss many not appreciate having to squirm in his or her seat the rest of the day because you bruised their sensitive skin; you may lose ground. However, your rugged outdoors type of boss may like the rough contact. Now, lotion does significant benefits and pitfalls. First you have to research the lotions on the market. Go for top shelf, you can’t skimp on this endeavor. Get one with a soft effervescence which leaves a sent that marks your territory and puts the next ass-kisser on notice to back off – these buttocks are taken!  Now make sure you have no colossuses. Make sure you work the lotion in well to ensure a constant smoothness on the bottom, top and sides of your hands. Never neglect the sides of the hands if your target is VP or higher. You will have to pay special attention to your grip. You will have to reach a little deeper, and hold a little tighter. You don’t want your hands slipping off during this critical career building time.  You don’t want your nose to poke into the buttocks and make your boss jump up. By picking the right lotion, after your ass-kissing session, your boss will sit smoothly in his or her seat, rather than sliding around in their leather chairs. If they slide around because your lotions make their butt squishy you will lose points.

Now that you have arrived on the varsity team of ass-kissers, it is time to get the collegiate scholar ship. You have two hands; each one has a specific perform. Think this way, one had can be slightly rough and the other one can be smooth. Hey, you’re on scholar ship, you figure it out! So, let’s look at the different levels and you can figure out where you rank:

·        Ass –Kiss openly without a plan                                            Pre-kindergarten

·        Ass-Kiss lower level managers                                                  Elementary School

·        Ass-Kiss boss – leave out subordinates                                  Middle School

·        Ass-Kiss – neglected hands                                                        9^th Grade

·        Ass-Kiss no strategic plan for skin care                                 10 Grade

·        Ass-Kiss with smooth/rough hands                                         12  Grade

·        Ass-Kiss 1 smooth -1 rough hand                                              College Freshman

·        Ass Kiss with 1 smooth, 1 rough hand, scented lotion          Harvard Business School

Remember, there are a gifted few that have taken the artistry of ass-kissing to the level of a Monet painting. They work their bosses with grace and perfection. They get ahead twice as fast with one third the actual skills of their counterparts. The majorities of people are clumsy and objects of ridicule. At first, shoot for the middle ground. Perfect your art with the lower managers; treat their buttocks like a VP. Once you have your boss swooning for you to come in to work every day you will perfected your technique and ready to move to the next level in your career. Good luck, and never give up sucking up!

Miracle or Evil within the God Particle?

Since before the time that caveman drew pictures of animals on the walls, and thus the first recording of history as animal hunts, the question arose in how things are tied together. From this first question, superstitions emerged, and then a polytheistic and monotheistic religion developed; and finally in the age of science, and the need to have definitive proof, atheism materialized as comfort to those demanding explanation. The ability to believe and trust has been replaced with probability charts in understanding. Hence, miracles can not happen without an explanation, and henceforth cease to be miracles.  One must release the requirement of having to know everything with precession to understand that the glue that holds the fabric of the universe together becomes the force which allows miracles to happen.

In early July 2012, a message rocked the scientific world: The director of CERN, Rolf Heuer, confirmed that two separate teams working at the Large Hadron Collider (LHC) have discovered the Higgs boson, aka the God Particle. The “God Particle” now completes the standard model of physics.  The theory explains that the God Particle is the energy force used as building blocks connecting other particles, allows them to grow, and why objects in our universe have mass. The God Particle may even form the background energy as described by people, barely removed from the primordial sludge in the overall scheme of time, as dark matter.

For the past 40 years we have watched movies such as Star Wars, and television shows such as Star Trek, that unknowingly dance around the blessings and hazards of the power of the theorized God particle. Luke Sky Walker and Darth Vader used the “Force” to battle each other for control of the universe. In Star Trek, Dr. McCoy used futuristic machines that used an unknown energy force to heal people, what today we would call miracles. In other shows, an invisible energy force field holds the good guy prisoner. Today, we still look at this power through the eyes of cavemen looking at the night’s sky in amazement of shooting stars.

So what of the miracle of the God particle? First, understand that the God Particle is the glue that holds everything in place. “Everything” is actually an “image” that we understand to describe a particular object. Over time, “everything” changes, and thus the “image” changes. But we like things in their original image. Imagine when someone develops cancer the image of the interactions of atoms of their cells change. Then, as the image of the interactions continues to change and the cancer grows. Eventually the image becomes too distorted to support life and the person dies. Now, with the God particle working at a smaller than sub-atomic level, the image of a cancer free cell can be replicated and transmitted into the damaged area. Thus, the atoms of the damages cells are rearranged back to the image of a cancer free cell, an instantaneous cure for cancer. The handheld medical device Dr. McCoy used in Star Trek healed through the same process. Rearrange the cells, at the subatomic level, back to the chosen image. If you have a broken bone, simply reset the image back to an unbroken bone. Want to be young, reset the cell image back to another arraignment that makes you feel younger. The universe does not judge the atomic pattern; it simply governs how the atoms interact.

The god particle is not good or evil; it simply exists and is the force, creates mass, and builds atoms. For the benefit of man, the application can apply to a plethora of diseases to include HIV, heart disease, and muscular dystrophy. By simply recreating the subatomic patterns of atoms, through the intentional application of the God Particle, you can eliminate disease erasing the molecular patterns that create the diseased cell, and replacing it those with a diseases free pattern of atoms and cells. You could potentially live forever by repeatedly having your atoms reimaged into a younger version. Imagine, through the ability to control the power of the God Particle you can change your life. You can change your own reality.

The use of the power of the God Particle can change the environment. Once you tire of the current environment, you simply restructure the molecules and create a new one.  On a larger sphere, as a killer asteroid approaches the earth, a beam of harnessed energy from the God Particle reach out and destroys the object, preventing calamitous destruction, even before the populations are made aware of the oncoming danger.

 The use of the God particle can be used for maleficent intentions as well. Imagine a government that wants to eliminate a dissident. They simply focus and unleash the God Particle, on the cells that create the image of the person, and thus eliminate the cell patterns at the subatomic level. Poof, the person no longer exists. Entire civilizations can be enslaved or enriched by the intentions and applications of the God Particle by an individual, group, or government.  Only in time, will humans be able to truly harness the power of the God Particle.  With the power to create or destroy in hand we will see the true intentions and image of man.